d i s c o v e r i n g monsters

flowers

Posted in Uncategorized by Jules on 21 December 2006

everyone always talks about the seasons of your life. and how you’ll look back and you’ll laugh. or that you will remember with fondness the days when you had no money. i don’t doubt that i’ll won’t remember this time in our lives. but no one ever decides to continue on with life without money. without their security. a month ago someone asked me what we were living on. did we just have a large savings that we were falling back on. “nope. just feel like this is what we’re supposed to be doing” is all i can say. that always meets people well. they love to hear that. “oh that’s great” they’ll say “how good of you” well it may be great and well for someone but not them is really what they’re saying. because sometimes you finish paying a few bills and there’s ninty-seven dollars in your bank account. and rent is due in weeks and presents to buy and phone bills and, and, and. and y’know sometimes you stop and ask yourself. when is that time? when is it that i’m supposed to look back and think this was fun? when is it that this becomes nostalgic? when does it cross over from terrifying to “that crazy time in life”. because i’m waiting and i don’t see the light.
it seems like a very memorable time in life, but memorable like natural disasters are memorable. not like your 5th birthday party, or your wedding day. but hey. it’s fun right? we’ll have stories. and we’ll get to tell our kids, and we’ll remember when we ate pizza for every meal. except for that’s just it. we don’t eat pizza for every meal. it costs too much. so no i don’t think this turns out to be one of those times. i don’t think you look back on this and smile. i think you look back and say “thank God it’s over”. because if it were so fascinatingly fantastic you would be writing this post. but you’re not, because it’s not a time anyone ever wants to re-visit or re-live.

someday there will be flowers in the window…but i will not look back on this fondly. i will not yearn for this time of life again.

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5 Responses

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  1. Anonymous said, on 21 December 2006 at 5:08 pm

    I agree fully with your thoughts on living without much. It’s not all that fun when you don’t have any extra cash to go out for coffee, buy that bottle wine you really want, or for us – live in your own place. Hopefully, it will make us more appreciative of what we have when we have it, even if it is only enough to mean we can hold a dinner party for all of our friends.

  2. Anonymous said, on 22 December 2006 at 5:00 am

    Does it comfort you to know that you’re not alone? We’re right there with you sister. Saving money seems like a concept we learned in finance class that won’t become a reality until much later – if ever. The reality we live in involves cheap Christmas presents, scraps for food (haha at least when I cook), and a trembling hand that writes the rent check. And as stressful and ridiculous as this lifestyle is sometimes, I’d still rather be here, knowing that this is the place God has for us, than being comfortable and unfulfilled. Obedience sucks sometimes. No getting around it. Thank you for your honesty. Again I’m reminded of how much I love you – thanks for being one of my favorite people ever – and for being there my whole life… love to you sister

  3. Anonymous said, on 22 December 2006 at 4:18 pm

    I’m right there with ya’. Not making enough money so that we have to temporarily live in my parent’s basement is not my idea of the best time in my life.

  4. jen said, on 5 January 2007 at 8:56 pm

    wow, oddly enough julie, this entry is really inspiring to me.

  5. "jenny" thompson said, on 5 January 2007 at 9:00 pm

    julie, you might be surprised, but i am very inspired by this entry.


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