d i s c o v e r i n g monsters

It’s like that moment when you decide it’s time to sleep on the floor in the airport.

Posted in everyday life, tired by Jules on 27 April 2010

Also, [fill in everything that might have come before that “also” in your head, and know that this is the end of a long, long list of why no one has heard from me in months] I’m just tired. Deep down tired. This-has-been-too-long-of-a-journey tired. Not give up tired, just tired. Tired the way you get on a WAY too long road trip. And you’ve talked yourself to death with all the people in the car, and it’s just silent. That kinda tired. When you all still really enjoy the company, but holy hell, when do we get to get out of the damn car?? As though everyone is simply holding in all of their thoughts until they get to crack open those doors, and step into the fresh air, and stretch, and take a deep DEEP breath of whatever wonderful, amazing air that was NOT being re-circulated in the car.

The moment right after the silence of getting out of the car, when everyone all of a sudden comes back to life, and starts laughing and talking again.

…I’m just waiting for that moment. The moment when I no longer have to breathe my own re-circulated air.

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8am Commute

Posted in everyday life, school by Jules on 28 February 2010

The Bus.

I sit down. Instantly, the man next to me starts talking to me at me. AT ME! before I’ve even had a chance to free myself of the tangle of bags/jackets/scarves. So in turn, I immediately I have the kinda surprised, kinda taken aback, kinda annoyed face from the get go.

Man: [never looking up from his paper] You smell like coffee.

Me: [Instantly annoyed. I hold up my mug of coffee so that he’s forced to look AT it] No, this smells like coffee. I smell like I just got out of the shower.

Man: [finally looking at me, but only moving his eyes, so I’m getting the looking-over-your-glasses glare from him] Same thing.

[He immediately goes back to his paper after these two ugly little words.]

Me: Uhh. No. [pause] Those are completely different things.

He seemed incapable of discerning the difference. Children can do that sir, CHILDREN.

Real Life

Posted in everyday life, friends, Life by Jules on 4 February 2010

Sometimes my real life is real beautiful.

As often as it is ugly and not put together, it is also beautiful.

I miss my fictional life in California. My fictional life in socal, and my fictional life in the bay area.

Sometimes in real life you only get three hours of sleep. In real life you wake up with snot-like vestiges of flu clinging to your face. In real life there is a bank account at the end of the day.

But sometimes, in real life you wake up to a fresh dusting of snow covering everything, and a beautiful beautiful fog. In real life you get on a bus, you go downtown and all of a sudden you look UP and realize how beautiful, beautiful, beautiful your real life is. Even with its hurt. Even with its disappointments. Even with its sticky, dry sleepy eyes, this real life – this hard life – is beautiful. Beautiful because of, or in spite of its ugliness I’m not sure, but beautiful nonetheless.

I’ve never been so filled up by one singular birthday in my whole life. The amount of gifts, hours of laughter – a laugh I will forever remember, FOOD, drink, phone calls, e-mails, lunches, cakes, pastries, beautiful talks, walks, dinners, text messages, never-ending PACKAGES arriving on my doorstop, new friends, gifts pouring out of one girl’s purse like I’ve never witnessed before. I’m not sure I’ve ever needed a birthday as much as I needed this one. 25 you were one lame-ass year. You, 25, were the real life that is ugly. But without 25 I wouldn’t appreciate 26 quite so much. So, hello 26. It’s nice to meet you. Please be a little bit kinder to me, for I am very, very fragile.

Oh, and hello there, I’m back. Sans camera, and a lot of other things that normal people seem to be able to keep track of, but I’m here. So hello again. It’s nice to converse with you, or at you.. but I like to think with, because it is more like a friendship, and less like a lecture, and I’m far more fond of the former.

Coping

Posted in change, everyday life, seasons by Jules on 4 October 2009

Kenna in Papa & Granny's Backyard

I haven’t started chewing on sticks yet, but sometimes I think I’m not too far away from that. I’ve been quiet, spending most of my time writing papers – lost in my own little world of films, theories, histories and criticisms.

If I were more disciplined I could be spending my Sunday afternoon at a tea shop, reading The Atlantic and enjoying the fall weather instead of what I am doing… sitting at my computer in the basement typing, typing, typing, typing—desperately trying to avoid becoming, as this brilliantly hilarious and deeply honest woman said, “[feeling] like and eyeball and a finger attached to a computer.” (A visual that never fails to bring a smile to my face.)

If last semester was the semester of barely-hanging-on, this semester seems to be shaping up as the semester of mindlessly drifting. Papers are being finished, midterms handed in, tests completed—nothing going awry… and I’m 1/2 way done with Fall Semester 2009. I’m working hard, but assignments just seem to keep coming in and going out—a well oiled machine. Not in a completely calm way, more in the vein of Chaplin in Modern Times (Charles Chaplin,1936).  I am still awaiting the deluge of work waiting to dump itself upon me when my weekend course on Hitchcock starts 10 October. More reading, more discussion, more watching, listening and writing. As much as I would like to say that I am fully! present! in! my! current! situation! it just isn’t true. I simply stand, like the tramp, screwing in bolts as they pass in front of me. Waiting for the whistle that tells me I can stop.

But until then it is Sunday, with an entire service dedicated to blessing little kids goldfish, old ladies cats and family dogs, with football, newspaper, The Amazing Race, Mad Men, and the Ladies are back!… and, least you become too relaxed, the ever-looming paper due in the morning.

Everything The Same, Nothing Familiar

Posted in change, everyday life, family, love, photography, Post by Jules on 5 September 2009

post

I’ve started something new for someone old. A project.

And I am starting to catch glimpses of myself again.

Sour Cherry Pie

Posted in everyday life, food, friends, love, photography by Jules on 26 May 2009

Sour Cherry Pie

 

Heading over to our friend’s house this evening to eat this pie, catch up, and relax.

We bring the pie, they open the wine and make espresso.

Texture

Posted in everyday life, photography by Jules on 26 May 2009

Hair, Sweater, Dress

Breakfast

Posted in everyday life, food, home, Life, love by Jules on 26 May 2009

 

Hard Boiled Egg w/ Salt & Paprika, Blueberry Bran Muffin, Banana, Raspberries

My mornings, however you want to define them, have been full of wonderful food, great espresso, newspapers, and books. Beautiful. Lazy. Wonderful. Give-me-my-life-back mornings.

Early Morning. Lunch. Happy Hour.

Posted in everyday life, food, seasons by Jules on 8 May 2009

Bialetti EspressoCut LemonWatermelon, Spinach, Steak Salad

 

One. More. Week. Left!

Doing my best to keep the stress to a manageable level. And what does that better than food? Well, food and incredible e-mails from friends, chats, runs, late night burger runs, lots of laughter on the phone, walks around the neighborhood, new music, and baseball games. 

I know that a lot of what consumes my every-waking moment is talk of school, and papers. At times it is all consuming. But this is something big. Larger than school. Larger than University. Bigger than each paper. This is monumental. This is changing me. This is pushing me – at times to the breaking point. As I struggle through each assignment, I stumble and drag myself one more day closer, I am ever closer to walking away from believing that I cannot, to believing that I can. A lot of self-doubt is falling away, a lot of questioning, and fear. And more self-doubt, and questioning, and fear fills its space..mostly. But not completely. In those small spaces are confidence and peace. My voice is becoming more clear, and I am beginning to believe that there is real worth in that. 

A wonderful and ridiculously brilliant friend of ours said to me recently, over one of the most incredible dinners ever, that my voice needs to be heard – that I needed to know that, and walk in that, and be confidant in that. There is a lot behind that, and in it, and what that will be, and look like… and it is slow in coming. But it is there. To be sure, I have not completely walked away from putting my head in the sand, but I am moving somewhere.

So I choose to struggle through 4 more papers, 1 final project, and one more exam. Hoping that at the end there is something. Something of myself. Something new. Something changed. Something different. Something better.

My Love

Posted in everyday life, love, writing by Jules on 31 March 2009

New York, Lake, Late Night Fire

 

There has been silence for a long time. Silence is something I am ever learning to appriciate more and more. Living with this man, there is silence. 

But when he speaks… 

I fall in love all over again. 

Now we all can hear.

The Early AM

Posted in everyday life, film, food, home, photography, tired by Jules on 30 March 2009

Flower Mug, Paper Notes

 

 

No amount of eye rubbing is going to make these eyes open up this morning – but this mug might. Up early to finish a film paper. A final paper. Not final as in, never-again-will-I-have-to-write-another-paper-about-a-film (because I still have the other 1/2 of this semester to survive + another year of school), but final, as in this crazy weekend class is over after I get my ass to finish writing one more page. (‘Final’ is really more of a fluid definition for me these days…)

So good morning early world. Hello snow. Meet your nemesis, this giant mug of french press coffee.

Tea Season

Posted in everyday life, food, seasons by Jules on 26 March 2009

First Spring Flowers

 

It’s SPRING! ..until it snows. And then it will be WINTER! …until it is 75 again. And then it will be SPRING! 

I looooove/hate the spring. Partly because I must start out every day in scarves and jackets, and finish in tank tops and flip flops. 

Regardless of the clothing debacle that spring may inflict upon me, spring is the tea season. Hot tea, iced tea, sweet tea, black tea, green tea, white tea…. tea season. My love of coffee always seems to take a bit of a back seat during this season. Hot tea in the morning just seems so fitting, and seeing that pitcher of sun tea waiting for me in the afternoon is beyond comforting. 

Earl Gray or any Breakfast tea from the British Isles (Irish, English) & a comfy sweater and scarf in the morning. Sun tea, and hands that smell like earth in the afternoon. 

I am ready for a new season. I am ready to garden, and sit on porches. Ready to soak up sunshine at outdoor cafes, and spend long afternoons in the park. Excited for that first smell of freshly cut grass & afternoon rainstorms. Awaiting dinners outside – the smell of vegetables and meat on the grill.

Ready for spring. Waiting for Summer.