d i s c o v e r i n g monsters

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Posted in friends, Life, love, Vacation by Jules on 7 February 2010

Sometimes I have a hard time expressing what is happening inside me. Especially when it’s big. Especially when it’s really big. When the beauty, and gifts, and thankfulness are so large, I cannot grasp their depth, it’s then that my words and feelings well up inside me, but cannot seem to find a way out.

I have no words of my own, no way to fully express or describe my weekend in San Francisco and Berkeley. I could give you a successful laundry list of what we did, how I felt, but I lack the talent, and ability to convey the fullness of the experience. Therefore, so as to not dampen the beauty that was last weekend, I will offer this quote. Because last weekend, being with Caitlin, and meeting those who love her, truly left me “richer for having known it.”

“The subjective response, however, when a … book has been finished and put aside is that, upon reflection, it does not seem so much that one holds the memory of a story; rather, it is the after effects of a poem rich in metaphor that seem to remain.

This I value, partly because it does defy a full mapping, but mainly because that which is left of a … story when the details have been forgotten is a thing which comes to me at odd times and offers me a feeling or a thought; therefore, a thing which leaves me richer for having known it.”

– Roger Zelazny

Real Life

Posted in everyday life, friends, Life by Jules on 4 February 2010

Sometimes my real life is real beautiful.

As often as it is ugly and not put together, it is also beautiful.

I miss my fictional life in California. My fictional life in socal, and my fictional life in the bay area.

Sometimes in real life you only get three hours of sleep. In real life you wake up with snot-like vestiges of flu clinging to your face. In real life there is a bank account at the end of the day.

But sometimes, in real life you wake up to a fresh dusting of snow covering everything, and a beautiful beautiful fog. In real life you get on a bus, you go downtown and all of a sudden you look UP and realize how beautiful, beautiful, beautiful your real life is. Even with its hurt. Even with its disappointments. Even with its sticky, dry sleepy eyes, this real life – this hard life – is beautiful. Beautiful because of, or in spite of its ugliness I’m not sure, but beautiful nonetheless.

I’ve never been so filled up by one singular birthday in my whole life. The amount of gifts, hours of laughter – a laugh I will forever remember, FOOD, drink, phone calls, e-mails, lunches, cakes, pastries, beautiful talks, walks, dinners, text messages, never-ending PACKAGES arriving on my doorstop, new friends, gifts pouring out of one girl’s purse like I’ve never witnessed before. I’m not sure I’ve ever needed a birthday as much as I needed this one. 25 you were one lame-ass year. You, 25, were the real life that is ugly. But without 25 I wouldn’t appreciate 26 quite so much. So, hello 26. It’s nice to meet you. Please be a little bit kinder to me, for I am very, very fragile.

Oh, and hello there, I’m back. Sans camera, and a lot of other things that normal people seem to be able to keep track of, but I’m here. So hello again. It’s nice to converse with you, or at you.. but I like to think with, because it is more like a friendship, and less like a lecture, and I’m far more fond of the former.

Not Enough.

Posted in friends, internet, Life, love by Jules on 11 November 2009

Something about repetition, like we need to hear that we are loved about 30 times to drill through the layers of clay and then it gets in deep.

 

Sometimes when a woman so beautiful, and so brilliant says something like that… you just find yourself erupting. And, maybe it comes out something liiike this:

…There are other things… a million other things… but they’re going to have to wait. Because… because. Because that’s life. Because I can’t put everything out when I want to. Because we live in other states. Because I CAN’T COLLAPSE ON YOUR COUCH WITH A GLASS OF WINE. Because I hate that I have to type everything. Because I hate that it takes so long (and I type damn fast). And I have so much to say, and.. and… I don’t have time. And even if I did… I don’t want to say these things this way. Any of these things. I want to see your beautiful face. I want to HEAR you laughing, or crying, or screaming. I want to wake up and have coffee with you. I hate this. I want to touch you, and see you in real life. Real, living, breathing, horrible, no make-up, sore cheeks LIFE. THIS IS NO LONGER ENOUGH FOR ME. *sigh* I’m thankful. I’m so very thankful. I don’t want that message to be muddled, or confused. I’m thankful. I’m thankful for you. BUT HOLY HELL THIS IS NOT ENOUGH. I want to tell you about my day today. I want to come over, and throw my bag on the floor, and just spill it all. I want to have a drink with you. I want to just BE. And so I sit here tonight, and I’m yelling… THIS IS NOT ENOUGH. I want the bad hair days, I want the holy-smokes-you’re-really-hot days. I WANT TO HAVE DAYS WITH YOU. I want to eat, and share meals with you.. I want to cook, and hang out in your kitchen. I want to talk while things simmer, and boil, and bake, and brown… I want a life with you. A real life. Not this cyber life. My desire is for a life with you, where this computer does not exist. Cyber friendship is a very poor excuse for friendship. Like cyber sex… you can’t equate the two. Real friendship, real sex… you can’t put that shit online and call it the same. So yes. I am thankful. I am THANKFUL for you. For your friendship. For who you are. I’m THANKFUL that you are in my life. But for all of that, because of all of that I am saying…. not enough. Not ok.

ppppshhhhhh…. welluhh

Posted in friends, home, Life, love by Jules on 6 November 2009

sign

Oh hell. Someone’s ass sat on the remote control of my life and it’s holding down the fast forward button.

The weeks fly by under stacks of shoes and papers and jackets and books… and late, peel-your-dry-sticky-eyelids-from-your-eyeballs-late nights. Every hour seems unbearably painful, but each week seems to be gone in an instant.

On the weekends, I traipse about… vagabond-like, every night somewhere new. Lugging my life between that which I have to do (school) and that which sustains me (friends, laughter, food, wine).

In the midst of all of this madness – where nothing feels normal – I have found myself more grounded than I have been in a very long time. Things are still hard. Still Strange. …but just when I needed it, an important friend reappeared. Someone who has made an indelible impression on me. And I feel more at home. More myself. I often forget how deeply friends affect me, how I become more fully who I am when they are around. And I have missed myself. It is nothing shy of miraculous the amount of laughter and love that this friendship has brought into my life. The feeling that nothing has changed, has made all the change seem so normal. …and I need a little normal.

 

Sour Cherry Pie

Posted in everyday life, food, friends, love, photography by Jules on 26 May 2009

Sour Cherry Pie

 

Heading over to our friend’s house this evening to eat this pie, catch up, and relax.

We bring the pie, they open the wine and make espresso.

Why it matters.

Posted in finals week, food, friends, internet, love, photography, school, writing by Jules on 11 May 2009

 

Love from Berkeley

 

“Patty Keene was stupid on purpose, which was the case with most women in Midland City. The women all had big minds because they were big animals, but they did not use them much for this reason: unusual ideas could make enemies, and the women, if they were going to achieve any sort of comfort and safety, needed all the friends they could get.

So, in the interests of survival, they trained themselves to be agreeing machines instead of thinking machines. All their minds had to do was to discover what other people were thinking, and then they thought that, too.”

 

Breakfast Of Champions – Kurt Vonnegut