d i s c o v e r i n g monsters

The Age of the 1,270 Mile Argument

Posted in internet, love by Jules on 27 February 2010

The internet allows for some tremendously important arguments to take place. Like this one:

Me: I don’t know if you’ve listened to it much, but I made a Miles Davis radio station on Pandora, and it’s awesome. I’ve been listening to it for days.

Sean: I made that radio station, but yeah, it’s great.

Me: Nooooo. I made that station.

Sean: I distinctly remember making it.

Me: Well, the point is, I’m really enjoying the radio station that I made.

Sean: That I made.

Me: That I made.

Sean: I know I made a station like that.

Me: Well, I know I made that station, not one like it.

Sean: Well it is a good one.

Me: I know! I created a great station.

Sean: I created.

Me: I mean, I’d make my own Pandora account, but I’ve put so much work into making these stations great.

Sean: Yeah, the stations I made.

Me: I made.

And so on.

But here’s the point: I’m right. I’ll even give you an example of why I’m right, so that you can have a bigger picture idea of how I know I’m right.

Me: [out on the back porch, drinking a glass of wine, reading a novel]

Sean: [Comes out, starts rummaging through the storage shed]

Me: [glances up quickly, then back down to novel] Whatcha doing?

Sean: Well…. I’m looking for the coolant fluid, because I’m going to check the fluid in the truck.

Me: [still not looking up] It’s empty.

Sean: How do you know? Did you check it?

Me: Nope. It just is. I know.

Sean: How?

Me: [still reading] It just is.

Sean: Well we’ll just see.

Me: You’ll just see. I already know.

Sean: [leaves to check fluids in the truck, then comes back, and says nothing.]

Me: Well?

Sean: [just enough of a pause, that he knows that I know] It was empty.

Me: I know. That’s what I said.

Clearly, I MADE the Miles Davis Radio Station. How? I just know.

photo found
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It’s like that

Posted in love, seasons by Jules on 20 February 2010

I can’t let this one go, because it’s deep. In there deep. Like, can’t talk while you’re doing dishes deep…

This song it’s in there. Deep, deep in there. It’s one of those that comes on, and I get that feeling… that same kinda feeling you get when someone you love so much gives you a hug from deep down in their soul… deep because they know you deep. Those hugs that come when you need them; need them because you think you might possibly split in two, or three, or a billion pieces. And that hug, far more than being comforting is literally like that person holding the pieces of you together, tight, tight, tight. Because they know. They know that you’re about to crumble, and they’re there… they’re going to hold you together until you can hold yourself together. That love that kinda hurts. Kinda hurts bad, because you need it bad, bad, bad.

This song. It’s like that.

[blank]

Posted in friends, Life, love, Vacation by Jules on 7 February 2010

Sometimes I have a hard time expressing what is happening inside me. Especially when it’s big. Especially when it’s really big. When the beauty, and gifts, and thankfulness are so large, I cannot grasp their depth, it’s then that my words and feelings well up inside me, but cannot seem to find a way out.

I have no words of my own, no way to fully express or describe my weekend in San Francisco and Berkeley. I could give you a successful laundry list of what we did, how I felt, but I lack the talent, and ability to convey the fullness of the experience. Therefore, so as to not dampen the beauty that was last weekend, I will offer this quote. Because last weekend, being with Caitlin, and meeting those who love her, truly left me “richer for having known it.”

“The subjective response, however, when a … book has been finished and put aside is that, upon reflection, it does not seem so much that one holds the memory of a story; rather, it is the after effects of a poem rich in metaphor that seem to remain.

This I value, partly because it does defy a full mapping, but mainly because that which is left of a … story when the details have been forgotten is a thing which comes to me at odd times and offers me a feeling or a thought; therefore, a thing which leaves me richer for having known it.”

– Roger Zelazny

Math

Posted in love, moving by Jules on 6 February 2010

For the past 173 days I have hit the alarm clock, put myself in the shower, and cleared my head of all those thoughts I can’t have. ONE HUNDRED SEVENTY-THREE.

Days to go until graduation: 97

Ninety-seven.

Days to go until I get to kiss your face: 40.

Forty.

Hours to go until I get to hear your voice: 1.

One.

1 is a number I can handle.

Holiday

Posted in family, Life, love, photography, Vacation by Jules on 7 January 2010

Nieces. I like them. Even when they don’t like me. But I especially like them when they do like me. I also like when they’re only just 1 and they want to explain things like the ocean, and birds, and the moon to me.

Yesterday I finished The Brothers K, let it digest for a few hours, and then picked up my next novel Shutter Island. “The Orchid Thief” is on deck. After? Emma. And then? Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? Reading on break is like trying to eat a decent lunch in thirty minutes. Not enough time.

We’re Not Screw Ups: Why I Love Film.

Posted in film, Life, love, school, seasons, tired by Jules on 12 November 2009

“We have a cardboard window.”

Sometimes you just need a beautiful film to remind you that, you are ok, or that you’re going to be ok – that even when everything around you seems foreign, crazy and unrecognizable as reasonable or sane, that you’re still going to be ok.

Film is often written off as a lot of things. Often it is supposed that I chose this degree because it’s “easy.” Film is a lot of things, none of which are easy. Because of course I would pick something that as its basis in history must battle uphill to prove that it is not simple – that it is not an art form that lacks intelligence. That in the face of everything that is “normal” – sculpture, writing, painting – that it too is art, something that deserves as much appriciation, and requires more from its audience than something static does. So that is why you break my heart when you assume that that which I love is simple-minded – that I am simple-minded.

You don’t always say it this clearly, but this is what is in your face. This is what I hear. This is what I see… The old argument articulated here by Benjamin, “Duhamel calls the movie ‘a pasttime for helots, a diversion for uneducated, wretched, worn-out creatures who are consumed by their worries . . . , a spectacle which requires no concentration and presupposes no intelligence . . . , which kindles no light in the heart and awakens no hope other than the ridiculous one of someonday becoming a ‘star’ in Los Angeles.'”

I don’t agree. I don’t agree with what you see. I see importance. I see something that saves. I see something that speaks. And if you cannot see that, then my heart breaks for you – for what you are missing… for the small life you choose. Because there is something abundant in film… And you are missing it. You have written it off… and there is life in it for you. And you are missing it.

Not Enough.

Posted in friends, internet, Life, love by Jules on 11 November 2009

Something about repetition, like we need to hear that we are loved about 30 times to drill through the layers of clay and then it gets in deep.

 

Sometimes when a woman so beautiful, and so brilliant says something like that… you just find yourself erupting. And, maybe it comes out something liiike this:

…There are other things… a million other things… but they’re going to have to wait. Because… because. Because that’s life. Because I can’t put everything out when I want to. Because we live in other states. Because I CAN’T COLLAPSE ON YOUR COUCH WITH A GLASS OF WINE. Because I hate that I have to type everything. Because I hate that it takes so long (and I type damn fast). And I have so much to say, and.. and… I don’t have time. And even if I did… I don’t want to say these things this way. Any of these things. I want to see your beautiful face. I want to HEAR you laughing, or crying, or screaming. I want to wake up and have coffee with you. I hate this. I want to touch you, and see you in real life. Real, living, breathing, horrible, no make-up, sore cheeks LIFE. THIS IS NO LONGER ENOUGH FOR ME. *sigh* I’m thankful. I’m so very thankful. I don’t want that message to be muddled, or confused. I’m thankful. I’m thankful for you. BUT HOLY HELL THIS IS NOT ENOUGH. I want to tell you about my day today. I want to come over, and throw my bag on the floor, and just spill it all. I want to have a drink with you. I want to just BE. And so I sit here tonight, and I’m yelling… THIS IS NOT ENOUGH. I want the bad hair days, I want the holy-smokes-you’re-really-hot days. I WANT TO HAVE DAYS WITH YOU. I want to eat, and share meals with you.. I want to cook, and hang out in your kitchen. I want to talk while things simmer, and boil, and bake, and brown… I want a life with you. A real life. Not this cyber life. My desire is for a life with you, where this computer does not exist. Cyber friendship is a very poor excuse for friendship. Like cyber sex… you can’t equate the two. Real friendship, real sex… you can’t put that shit online and call it the same. So yes. I am thankful. I am THANKFUL for you. For your friendship. For who you are. I’m THANKFUL that you are in my life. But for all of that, because of all of that I am saying…. not enough. Not ok.

ppppshhhhhh…. welluhh

Posted in friends, home, Life, love by Jules on 6 November 2009

sign

Oh hell. Someone’s ass sat on the remote control of my life and it’s holding down the fast forward button.

The weeks fly by under stacks of shoes and papers and jackets and books… and late, peel-your-dry-sticky-eyelids-from-your-eyeballs-late nights. Every hour seems unbearably painful, but each week seems to be gone in an instant.

On the weekends, I traipse about… vagabond-like, every night somewhere new. Lugging my life between that which I have to do (school) and that which sustains me (friends, laughter, food, wine).

In the midst of all of this madness – where nothing feels normal – I have found myself more grounded than I have been in a very long time. Things are still hard. Still Strange. …but just when I needed it, an important friend reappeared. Someone who has made an indelible impression on me. And I feel more at home. More myself. I often forget how deeply friends affect me, how I become more fully who I am when they are around. And I have missed myself. It is nothing shy of miraculous the amount of laughter and love that this friendship has brought into my life. The feeling that nothing has changed, has made all the change seem so normal. …and I need a little normal.

 

A New Love

Posted in love by Jules on 23 September 2009

Arches National Park - Spring Break 2009

To be completely vulnerable with another person.

To allow them to love you in ways that you cannot love yourself.

To know that someone could hurt you deeply.

To trust.

To always give the benefit of the doubt.

To know the sound of their voice.

To love with both feet off the ground. Crazy, foolish, beautiful love.

… to hold them loosely, allowing them to persue their dreams.

5 years! A Bellis Perennis anniversary. As this year needs more reminders of smiles and happiness and joy, a daisy seems just right.

Didn’t see it coming

Posted in change, love, seasons by Jules on 6 September 2009

Autumn Leaves

I walked outside tonight, and truthfully – it no longer smelled like summer. And my heart leapt. I love summer. I love being able to eat outside. I love wearing flip-flops. I love lawn games. I love the smell of Jasmine. I love going to the lake house in upstate NY. I love porch sitting, and camping, and going to the beach. I love entire meals cooked off of the BBQ. But my heart… my SOUL loves the fall. There was a SMELL outside tonight. And it was autumn.

My toes are a little too cold.

I needed a sweater to go outside tonight.

And then – as if by MAGIC. THE smell. THE autumn smell came wafting over. Sneaking through bushes, and yards, and still ripening tomato plants…. fire. Not forest fire. Hearth fire. Fire in a fireplace. Someone just lit the first fire of the season in their fireplace! I almost wanted to cry and jump around – to sprawl on the driveway, and stare into the sky and just take it in. Usually on these evenings Sean is around, and he holds me and smiles and kisses me, and says yes to taking the dog on a walk at night just so that I can SMELL the coming season. That smell

The spring is difficult for me because winter hangs on SO LONG, and the spring seems only to tease me with the coming summer. I’m READY for summer, and spring seems to simply be an annoyance, a penance I have to pay to get through to summer. But autumn.. ahhhh my love.

Favorite fall films are Dan In Real Life, and You’ve Got Mail….Hocus Pocus, Ghostbusters, and Sleepy Hollow. As well as a smattering of Halloween cartoon tales Charlie Brown, and Ichabod Crane…

I will miss this most about Colorado. The real smell of fall. I will miss FOUR! VERY! DISTINCT! SEASONS! I will miss the last winds of fall that are so cold they make my nose turn bright red and run. I will miss the snow at Christmas. I will miss ducking into cafes for some coffee & warmth. I will miss the elation that comes in spring – the almost righteous anger at winter that you can yell out at the sky that has been pelting you with snow, “Take that bitch – summer’s coming!” And then sweet, sweet give-you-your-life-back summer with all that it brings.

And it’s as if I am ONE with Mother Nature … I picked up some Pumpkin Ale earlier today when I was out. I know, I’m really chomping on the bit when I’m buying pumpkin ale on the 6th of September. But it’s my FAVORITE. No surprise there. And they only have it for TWO MONTHS. And now… NOW I get to have my pumpkin ale, and let the first smells of autumn waft in the windows while I watch Mad Men.

Tomorrow morning I will wake up, and the sun will be bright and still hot, hot, hot. And it will still feel like summer. And that will be all right. I’m not one to kick summer out ungratefully… But I needed the smile and excitement that fall brings me.

Everything The Same, Nothing Familiar

Posted in change, everyday life, family, love, photography, Post by Jules on 5 September 2009

post

I’ve started something new for someone old. A project.

And I am starting to catch glimpses of myself again.

Sour Cherry Pie

Posted in everyday life, food, friends, love, photography by Jules on 26 May 2009

Sour Cherry Pie

 

Heading over to our friend’s house this evening to eat this pie, catch up, and relax.

We bring the pie, they open the wine and make espresso.

Breakfast

Posted in everyday life, food, home, Life, love by Jules on 26 May 2009

 

Hard Boiled Egg w/ Salt & Paprika, Blueberry Bran Muffin, Banana, Raspberries

My mornings, however you want to define them, have been full of wonderful food, great espresso, newspapers, and books. Beautiful. Lazy. Wonderful. Give-me-my-life-back mornings.

Why it matters.

Posted in finals week, food, friends, internet, love, photography, school, writing by Jules on 11 May 2009

 

Love from Berkeley

 

“Patty Keene was stupid on purpose, which was the case with most women in Midland City. The women all had big minds because they were big animals, but they did not use them much for this reason: unusual ideas could make enemies, and the women, if they were going to achieve any sort of comfort and safety, needed all the friends they could get.

So, in the interests of survival, they trained themselves to be agreeing machines instead of thinking machines. All their minds had to do was to discover what other people were thinking, and then they thought that, too.”

 

Breakfast Of Champions – Kurt Vonnegut

Wednesday Photo

Posted in love, photography, school, seasons, Vacation by Jules on 22 April 2009

Utah Desert - Arches National park

 

That one’s for you.

Finals mix is on the way.

Friendship.

Posted in food, love by Jules on 4 April 2009

Spring Fling Cake - The Market, Larimer Square, Denver, Colorado

 

Spring Fling Cake from The Market. A Three layer Zucchini Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting, topped with fresh strawberries, mango, grapes, and kiwi.

Picked this beauty up this morning for Jeeva & Rachel’s baby shower. We simply wanted to drench them in love before they leave to pick up their daughter in Ethiopia.

And when we love someone, we love them with food. Good food. This food.

My Love

Posted in everyday life, love, writing by Jules on 31 March 2009

New York, Lake, Late Night Fire

 

There has been silence for a long time. Silence is something I am ever learning to appriciate more and more. Living with this man, there is silence. 

But when he speaks… 

I fall in love all over again. 

Now we all can hear.