d i s c o v e r i n g monsters

Like All Big Moments, Everything Has Changed And You Feel The Same.

Posted in change, finals week, Graduation, school by Jules on 11 May 2010

I suppose I feel  something akin to relieved. Flashes of The Graduate (Mike Nichols, 1967) are running through my head. Those moments of old ladies in pearls shaking their cocktails, and old men with cigars bombarding you asking “what are you going to do now?” Or else, the desire to simply float in the pool, and do nothing.

Big! Life! Moments! usually leave me quiet. But quiet should not be confused with lost. More, that moment some time after The Moment when you’re just sitting doing something horribly ordinary and dull, and someone looks at you, and you smile, because… everything has changed, and as wonderful and big as that is, it’s also just another something. I’m a middle child. So in fitting with that, I would rather skip the spotlight and the speeches. More than would rather, would prefer them not to happen at all is more appropriate. But, some moments in life have to be recognized, even if it makes you uncomfortable.

Since others often find the words I’m floundering for, I’ll leave this to someone more talented “I imagined feeling a lot of things about the end of all of this – but I didn’t really think I would feel quiet inside. As if this was all about something so much bigger than school, obviously, but still … I sense I won’t get it for a long while down the road.”

And here’s to you Mrs. Robinson…

8am Commute

Posted in everyday life, school by Jules on 28 February 2010

The Bus.

I sit down. Instantly, the man next to me starts talking to me at me. AT ME! before I’ve even had a chance to free myself of the tangle of bags/jackets/scarves. So in turn, I immediately I have the kinda surprised, kinda taken aback, kinda annoyed face from the get go.

Man: [never looking up from his paper] You smell like coffee.

Me: [Instantly annoyed. I hold up my mug of coffee so that he’s forced to look AT it] No, this smells like coffee. I smell like I just got out of the shower.

Man: [finally looking at me, but only moving his eyes, so I’m getting the looking-over-your-glasses glare from him] Same thing.

[He immediately goes back to his paper after these two ugly little words.]

Me: Uhh. No. [pause] Those are completely different things.

He seemed incapable of discerning the difference. Children can do that sir, CHILDREN.

Dirty Little Secret: The Educated Also Love Film

Posted in film, school, writing by Jules on 19 February 2010

Robert Stam’s List of Eight Assumptions/Prejudices Made Against Film:

1. Valorization of Anteriority and Seniority

2. Dichotomous Thinking

3. Iconohobia

4. Logophilia

5. Anti-corporeality

6. Myth of Facility

7. Class Prejudice

8. Parasitism

[photo found]

We’re Not Screw Ups: Why I Love Film.

Posted in film, Life, love, school, seasons, tired by Jules on 12 November 2009

“We have a cardboard window.”

Sometimes you just need a beautiful film to remind you that, you are ok, or that you’re going to be ok – that even when everything around you seems foreign, crazy and unrecognizable as reasonable or sane, that you’re still going to be ok.

Film is often written off as a lot of things. Often it is supposed that I chose this degree because it’s “easy.” Film is a lot of things, none of which are easy. Because of course I would pick something that as its basis in history must battle uphill to prove that it is not simple – that it is not an art form that lacks intelligence. That in the face of everything that is “normal” – sculpture, writing, painting – that it too is art, something that deserves as much appriciation, and requires more from its audience than something static does. So that is why you break my heart when you assume that that which I love is simple-minded – that I am simple-minded.

You don’t always say it this clearly, but this is what is in your face. This is what I hear. This is what I see… The old argument articulated here by Benjamin, “Duhamel calls the movie ‘a pasttime for helots, a diversion for uneducated, wretched, worn-out creatures who are consumed by their worries . . . , a spectacle which requires no concentration and presupposes no intelligence . . . , which kindles no light in the heart and awakens no hope other than the ridiculous one of someonday becoming a ‘star’ in Los Angeles.'”

I don’t agree. I don’t agree with what you see. I see importance. I see something that saves. I see something that speaks. And if you cannot see that, then my heart breaks for you – for what you are missing… for the small life you choose. Because there is something abundant in film… And you are missing it. You have written it off… and there is life in it for you. And you are missing it.

Why it matters.

Posted in finals week, food, friends, internet, love, photography, school, writing by Jules on 11 May 2009

 

Love from Berkeley

 

“Patty Keene was stupid on purpose, which was the case with most women in Midland City. The women all had big minds because they were big animals, but they did not use them much for this reason: unusual ideas could make enemies, and the women, if they were going to achieve any sort of comfort and safety, needed all the friends they could get.

So, in the interests of survival, they trained themselves to be agreeing machines instead of thinking machines. All their minds had to do was to discover what other people were thinking, and then they thought that, too.”

 

Breakfast Of Champions – Kurt Vonnegut

The End.

Posted in photography, school, tired, Uncategorized by Jules on 4 May 2009

Living Room - Early Morning Sunshine

 

Slowly and painfully typing each sentence for each paper, and memorizing stacks of fatuous facts. One more novel, four more films, Six more papers, three more tests, eleven more days. And then SUMMER!

Wednesday Photo

Posted in love, photography, school, seasons, Vacation by Jules on 22 April 2009

Utah Desert - Arches National park

 

That one’s for you.

Finals mix is on the way.

Winter Fruit Bleeding Into Summer Veggies

Posted in change, food, Life, school, seasons by Jules on 21 April 2009

Lettuce

 

…So that for a brief moment we have spring. 

My computer is fixed. It was simply a problem with [insert lots of technical, incomprehensible jargon here] but now it’s fine!

Lately I have been experiencing the typical pull between oh-my-gosh-my-life-is-moving-so-slow-it-feels-like-the-turtle-in-Steinbeck’s-novel and WHAT-THE-HELL-MY-LIFE-IS-MOVING-TOO-FAST-I-PRACTICALLY-HAVE-ONE-FOOT-IN-THE-GRAVE! Which is fabulous because it really wreaks havoc on my digestive tract, the constant nausea only intermittently stifled by the shoving of anything resembling a carbohydrate into my mouth. (And no, you baby-crazed loons, I’m not pregnant, this is s-t-r-e-s-s, or grief, or fear, or any combination of the above.) I’ve been in a continual stall pattern for the past five years, and now all of a sudden we’re packing up the apartment, Sean’s moving to California, I’m moving back to Boulder, in August I will begin my final year of this degree, Sean will start medical school, and so all of a sudden the stall is over – the flood gates have opened. Hence, the nausea and shoveling of carbohydrates. It’s been difficult living on the merry-go-round of life, but I at least understood how to do that, now I feel as if the merry-go-round sped up and flung me off… leaving me in a patch of itchy, dry, brown-ish green grass, with my head spinning, still trying to understand what the hell just happened. There is nothing unique, or particularly interesting in this experience, but it does cause a bit more silence in my life. Less inclined to write, and more to contemplative staring while I wait for my head to stop spinning.   

I’m doing a lot of this, and reading her, and him, and lots of other people with their brilliant thoughts on film, but I feel more like a ghost, and less like a sponge lately – more passing through than soaking in. Simply tired.

The spring sunshine, and early beginnings of summer vegetables and herbs have been a welcome change from what has been a long, long winter season. I am starting to believe that summer might just come after all, with it’s barbecues, and sangria, and sun dresses, and long, long evenings outside.

Moving “Home”

Posted in home, school, seasons by Jules on 30 March 2009

California State Flag

 

Yes it means exactly what you think it does. No games, no gimmicks, no jokes. I will be here in the beautiful state of Colorado for another year finishing my degree, and my husband will start school in California on the 10th of August 2009! 

There is still a lot of processing, and adjusting – and the eventual thoughts about having to pack up everything and move yet again… But for now we are excited about being close to family & friends who we have missed for the past 5 years.  

Pack up the scarves, pack up the snow boots – Hello Golden State.